I didn’t start this blog to be a “watch as Jen re-evaluates every decision she has ever made” sort of thing. However, seeing as how I had a huge following and told my story from the stage in front of so many, for so many years- I DO feel like I have more to grapple with as I start to share again. It has been 4.5 years of mostly silence from me, as I processed the breakdown of my very public life. The last 2 years has been a double down on silence, as I worked through the shifting of my “in real life world”.
I walked away from 2 separate communities in under 5 years and that shakes person!
I keep wondering, “is it me? am I the element of drama?”
The final answer is….
probably.
I mean, I have sun conjunct Uranus!
But- truthfully- I do push back a lot. I’m not eager to “get along to go along” or “get in where you fit in” or “fake it til you make it”. I am a “Im having ALL THESE FEELINGS and I won’t move until Im done”.
I am a “Can we talk about this with self awareness and a willingness to be wrong?”
99% of the time- the answer to that last one is only an invitation to deep dive into ways that Jen is a difficult person.
I am. I am difficult. Consistently.
Im an introvert. I ignore calls and texts until I can mentally handle them.
I say uncomfortable things- and I listen to my kids and do exactly what they ask me to do.
People get that last thing twisted too- Ive been accused more than once of speaking for my kids. But they actually tell me how they feel and I advocate for them, even when I would rather not have to speak up AGAIN.
However- I also have a LOT of childhood trauma. That trauma label gets tossed around a lot these days- but IM talking bad trauma- in foster homes being abused before I was even 9months old trauma. I have orphan trauma and physical abuse trauma. I have poverty trauma and neglect trauma.
What does this have to do with a mammogram????
Well, its all fear based trauma. Fear of punishment if I speak out. Fear of being abandoned if I don’t please people enough. Fear making the wrong decision and being punished.
Big stuff that I have had to unpack with a therapist- and this all culminated with this mammogram.
This was a HUGE fear of mine. My doctor wanted me to get a baseline mammogram at 40. I pushed it off. Im 43. I was FULL of excuses- most of them fear based things about radiation CAUSING cancer…. which it can. But then my doctor ordered a high tech, low dose radiation scan. She really felt like I should have one.
I have had breast pain and aches my whole life. Many ultrasounds have been done on the random issues that popped up- and all the info I could find said GET THE MAMMOGRAM.
I almost cancelled the morning of, though.
F E A R
“What if I am making the wrong decision?”
When I got to the appointment, I voiced all this. I spoke all of my fears aloud and admitted this was my first time and that I was super nervous.
The tech was so amazing- and then she said- “You are not wrong- physical damage and radiation can increase risks of cancer. But these days, with these machines- we aren’t damaging anything and the radiation is going right through. Plus- we are catching things years and years sooner- saving lives”
I felt a wash of spirit fill me up when she said that- this was an act of LOVE for myself. This was tending to my body as a sacred space.
It was smooth sailing from there.
The results are in too- all clear <3
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