Life pre-pandemic was so full of hangouts- our farm house was so frequently full of people! Whether it was out of town guests parking RVs and camping awhile, or weekend visitors or just campfire friends, we got used to the bustle.
Then lockdown got lonely and I found that my dynamic with friends shifted so much, I couldn’t figure out how to make the same connections feel right again.
I’ll admit, I just wanted something different.
When the world attempted to “go back to normal”… I found normal so foreign.
In the first decade of my parenting, I found that I needed community in order to feel settled into homeschooling. Was I doing this right? Would my kids be lonely? Weird?
I found talking to others and having the kids form friendships soothed this fear. In Tucson we had a huge HUGE community of amazing families that we were full immersed in for years. Then, as it does, it changed. People moved away, people changed, kids grew up, people grew apart.
We moved to San Francisco- found a large unschooling group that we loved. Again, a couple years later, things fizzled as we moved away and others grew up and apart.
RVing across the country was possibly the most comfortable part of our kids lives for this reason! Being in a new community for a few months at a time? It never got old and we left before the growing apart or away phase.
Our family always has loved the closeness of friends- but we also have a weird dynamic in that we do not have an extended family. This creates a weird void around holidays and hard times- when people tend to pull in and spend time with their families.
BUT, in Michigan, we started to have friends that were slowly becoming like family.
This was unlike what we had elsewhere, it felt impossible to see the growing up and apart happen. That clouded our hearts to the fact that, post pandemic, everyone was fighting a different, often silent battle. We had our own storm brewing with Jareds depression and traumatic brain injury- and letting people in, while staying physically apart because of covid, became strained.
Then a situation occurred that MAYBE- pre-pandemic- we would have rolled with and worked harder to make amends… post pandemic- we just couldn’t. In the times of lockdown and separation, we had learned things about each of our children that we never understood.
Time away from people allowed their needs and feelings to slowly unfold until we could see that our need for community as PARENTS had created a real struggle for each of our children individually. They were unhappy. Had BEEN unhappy- but didn’t want to make waves or make things hard on US. This wasn’t something I ever foresaw!
We collectively decided that moving forward, we would align our life more along the lines of how a public schooled family would. Each child could have their interests and circles with the option of overlapping if needed—- or not.
Olive joined separate activities than Cedric. Keira chose to maintain connections the rest of us cut off. The teens ALL ORGANIZE THEIR OWN LIVES.
IT IS AMAZING!
I spent so long trying to make playdates work for everyone- toting them all along and trying to make them all happy. Bribing one to be nice or at least quiet while the other had time to play. NO LONGER!
The mental freedom I have now has become so incredible that I often wish I could go back and whisper into previous Jen’s ear- “you don’t have to do this…”
Imagining now, what ease could have existed if I had let Cedric stay home with Jared and just took Olive somewhere? What if I had started OPENING THE CONVERSATION with “who wants to do xyzzy?” instead of just making plans I thought they would enjoy.
Lately, my kids wonder if we had lived where we live now, would they have wanted to be homeschooled at all? We don’t know. (Schools this nice didn’t exist where we were).
I had all these thoughts when we had a playdate with a new friend. We met up at the library and here I was, with just one child to watch. Keira had stayed home, Olive was off somewhere and Cedric off somewhere else.
I offered Juniper the opportunity to go to school- but she isn’t really interested yet- maybe at all. We are starting a waldorf/montessori mash up at home this fall, the same I used for her siblings.
But now we all have our own friends, our own separate circles. We have a shared circle at church and a shared circle in our neighborhood. I think Im writing this as advice I wished I had gotten.
There is no less drama in homeschooling circles than in any other community you may find. In fact- I fond the lack of oversight MORE problematic in these communities than in more structured communities. Especially if your children are neuro-divergent.
I love the freedom homeschooling gave us- but Im not sure I would do it again. I might… who knows 🙂 But at this moment, I think I was always searching for a way to keep my kids from experiencing pain or trauma- and that is impossible.
None of this information was available to me when I started- homeschooling felt FREE and CHILD LED to me back then. But I see more and more that the freedom was often experienced as boredom and the child led portion is frequently just a basis for parental manipulation.
I do know that unschooling was the best choice for Keira. I think it was questionable for Olive and Cedric- they have taken to traditional homeschooling way better and may have thrived more in academia than I could have imagined back when.
When we first moved back, I had hoped to move to Indian Village and send the kids to the Detroit Waldorf school… whenever things were wonky or hard… I really reverted back to thinking “if only”…
I often try to understand why we bought that farm. What was it all for? I disliked my life so much, for so long… 8 years! Too afraid to make any changes, too afraid to demand anything different. Too afraid that my kids would be mad at me.
Fear did all of that. Fear based decisions ruled my actual life for so long!!!!
I guess all of this is to say- I homeschooled out of fear and control. What if my kids were bullied? What if they don’t fit in?
This happened in the homeschool world. Because it can happen anywhere.
I tried to “curate” our world into something magical- ignoring the inherently magical nature of our world!
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