Ive always been of the mindset, that older children shouldn’t be required to caretake younger children. That having more children is the parent’s decision and that it shouldn’t take away the older kids childhoods.
When I had Juniper- I realized that I was maybe pretty mistaken and influenced by my own experiences. These children wouldn’t leave Juniper alone for even a minute. I often found myself lonely or sitting there with nothing to do- WITH A BABY!
When the pandemic happened- shutdown really amped this element up. Juniper became a really bright light in our home and made every day so much more exciting and fun for everyone.
For Keira and Cedric- this is mostly a Juniper centric mindset. They love playing with her and have things they do with her that they have fostered and are committed to. Things that I never asked them to do, but they just started doing. Cedric loves to read to her and is teaching her chess. He has many different little games that he is really good at playing- statue and hide and seek are his go-to. Keira teaches her math and art and fostered a deep love of monsters high. She also gets very in to puppets and puts on productions with Juniper.
Olive… well, Olive turned into a preschool/kindergarten teacher of Hollywood proportions…We all laugh constantly at just how instinctual it is for Olive to fill in for me when needed.
I am an oddly blended waldorf/montessori mother- and while Keira and Cedric certainly enjoyed their childhoods…they often tell me that they see people saying online- “I wish I had been raised like Bluey” – and they will comment “I was”. It makes me proud that they remember mostly that and not some of the hardships we DEFINITELY had.
But Olive took to things in a way that surprises me- she loves children and being around other little kids- not just her sibling. She creates fun games and gets imaginative- but can also discipline/correct when needed. It is just wild to watch it unfold in such a seamless “untaught” way. (I realize it was taught through my actions… but it wasn’t expect for them to take it on)
So, when I have to work- from home- I frequently ask her if she wants to do it (and I pay well).
I was contemplating this after a recent session- I came out of my office and there were records out and playing… they had set up a play “Restaurant” and made signs- the whole shebang.
This particular day, I was thinking about my own childhood- how much I ALSO loved playing with children… and how quickly that was exploited. I was expected to look after the children all the time, mostly unpaid. The only time I received pay was when non-family kids were added in the mix.
But my love of children always translated to comments like “Jennifer is such a great babysitter” or “Jennifer will make such a good mother”. NEVER- Jennifer would make a great teacher… or librarian… or daycare owner… or childrens author. 🙂
People were ENDLESSLY shocked when I would tell them that I don’t actually enjoy babysitting. When I was in college, I babysat three of my cousins for pay. I loved it, but it was terribly difficult because I had to cater to different parenting styles and demands.
Im thankful that as I watch Olive develop- MY instinct is to say different things. “You have a great imagination” and “You are so resourceful!” are common.
I broke the cycle of getting pregnant before the age of 16- but I have never considered the other parallel cycles involved. Im mostly writing this in case others haven’t considered that loving children- AS CHILDREN- is normal and not indicative of wanting motherhood as your future.
Loving “being around children 24/7” isn’t even a requirement for MOTHERHOOD!
LOVING to be around children, I believe, is a natural state that humanity yields. When living in a community, it is natural to enjoy the wonder and magic of children.
As a society, we have to stop putting this pressure on young women that enjoy playing with kids. I have childless adult friends that LOVE kids- and never want their own. Its natural.
Now, all that said, I LOVE being around children 24/7 and I LOVE being a mother and a homeschooler and if I am lucky- I will be literally the BEST GRANDMA ALIVE.
I may adopt more children when mine are grown- I love a full house and a loud house. Even if I had been single my whole life- I would have had children. Most likely through adoption- but this was not because of my love of children. THIS is because I was orphaned and lived my whole life wondering what kind of mother I would have had if the universe was fair and good.
Trauma shaped me- which is another reason I cringe when someone says, “You are SUCH a good mom” or says something where they compare themselves to me and my parenting.
Im healing myself over here- Im giving my kids the mother I dreamed of so that they can go farther in life than I was prepared to go. I parent this way, because growing up- I worried that if I made the wrong decisions in life- I would be shunned, punished, shamed or abandoned (and ultimately, unfortunately, I was right).
Many of my friends that know I used to blog religiously- asked why I stopped… this was a huge reason. I never felt safe to share my WHOLE story- and it was uncomfortable to have people compare what I was doing to what they were doing and feel shame.
I believe that community fills these spaces beautifully. My community in Tucson was beautiful in that, we filled in each others gaps- where one mom might love to knit- another might love to build things with wood and nails. Another might be a working mom and another might like to have a daycare.
When I moved to San Francisco- the community aspect really fell away in the landscape of nannies. Finding friends was easy- but that day to day “in the trenches” community was not. We were so far from family, that we just sort of designed our life to suit our needs and never looked back.
Moving to Michigan brought a big group- a lovely group- but at some point after the pandemic- our needs stopped meshing with common “homeschooler” needs.
During the pandemic- we had stayed in spaces where we made in-person activities work. Olive started dance at a mask enforced studio and Keira did Acting Classes in a similarly masked environment. They made friends with kids that were traditionally schooled and started to enjoy some of the “public schooled” rules of socializing.
I feel like this sounds like Im saying “homeschooled kids are weird” but Im not- Im saying homeschooled kids are free from some of the systems designed to stifle kids. This is the reason I chose homeschooling! What is interesting though, is that as my middle children got older- they felt more comfortable in spaces and situations where “systems of behavior” are standardized.
They enjoy having their academic lives totally separate from their social lives- something I never imagined would be desirable.
Meanwhile- I have lost all desire to be in any large group where the dynamics are complex. I just don’t think Im built for it.
I share this to say that 4 years ago, my parenting had to shift from “Im giving my kids the childhood I always dreamed of” to “Im giving my children the childhoods THEY WANT”.
This makes blogging the way I used to difficult. I used to share all these things that I was doing and thinking about. I had reasons and research and and and.
Now, Im mentoring an adult (my firstborn) more than I am “parenting”her. Im helping Olive prepare for her life in academia and Cedric in his interest in priesthood. Im also still a Waldorf/Montessori homeschooling mom to a 5 year old.
So in the world of perfectly curated spaces- this is going to be a hodge podge space and hopefully a more unfiltered space. I see a lot of people saying things like, “nothing is as cringe as your Facebook posts from 2010” and I disagree. I look back and think- wow, I WAS JUST SAYING IT ALL. I miss letting my thoughts out!
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