It is hard to process life sometimes. We get going in our daily lives and things get so busy, then I will be out in the garden or doing laundry and suddenly the grief of the last 4 years will hit.
The pandemic took a lot from our family- it forced a lot of issues to the surface and quite frankly, made me realize just how unhappy with my life I was.
Yes, I hated the farm. Always had, and wasn’t very silent about it.
But also, I sort of hated the box of “homeschooler/hippie” Id put myself in. I felt disconnected from almost everything that I had worked so long for. I wasn’t sure I cared about a”natural’ life anymore- I wasn’t so sure I cared about almost anything except the 6 of us doing what we felt called to do.
We have been in the new house for 18months now- and our life is so full. I have been mourning the “time missed”. I missed it because I was worried that forcing a move would make me enemy number 1- plot twist- it didn’t. I missed it because I was trying to be my idealized perfect mom and wife.
I was making life so much harder on myself! For what benefit? Im not sure. Maybe it has given my kids a realistic look at what is important in life. That the idealized “buy property and live happily ever after” is a bunch of bullshit. Land and farms are a LOT of work! Big farmhouses are not chic- they are a lot of work.
Many times, Jared and I would argue about the farm and he would say, “do you know how many people WOULD LOVE this life?” I always felt broken, because I hated it so much.
Movies, books, TV shows- they all sort of idolize this small town vibe and I swear I felt allergic to it all.
Now I see that I am not broken, I love my tiny yard more than I can even say- and its still a lot of work! I LOVE that I can walk to the library, 4-5 grocery stores, any type of restaurant I want, multiple bookstores, etc.
Im sharing this because the grief of striving for something that OTHERS WANT almost leveled me.I would lay in bed and cry- wondering why I hated mud and bugs and fields and dirt roads. I HAAAAAATED having to drive 40 minutes to the nearest Target.
I LOVE that in the time it took to water my flowers and have this little photo shoot with Juniper- I talked to 3 of my neighbors.
One day, right before we moved from the farm, jared asked me, “What if we move to the city and you are still depressed? Have you considered that?”
It took SO MUCH to trust my intuition!!!!
So, that’s my grief these days. and it isn’t limited to farm/city duality either. I have grief over my faith journey, my parenting journey, my eating disorder journey. So many revelations of “why am I living this way? for who?”.
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